Sometimes, A Girl's Gotta Rant

Fuck the Patriarchy

****I apologize in advance for all of the things written in all caps below, but they're written that way because when I was writing this, I was screaming those sentences in my head****

I almost didn't post this because I really don't wanna taint the awesomeness of the last week by remembering stupid shit, but I have had a WEEK of men being sorta shitty to me. And, this usually does not happen to me. I always attribute my lack of sexual harassment luck to being a tall woman with an unusually bitchy resting face, who walks everywhere with purpose (and her earbuds in). I am also very talkative and outgoing and never have any trouble striking up a conversation in a bar, so do with that contradiction what you will. But this week there were two especially troubling incidents.

The first altercation happened on the subway on my way to teach my Tuesday evening yoga class. A man, lurching down the subway car talking to himself and anyone else who will listen, comes up to me, a woman reading AND listening to music on the train (the international indicator for DND), and says, "ma'am". Now, I have been reading, with earbuds in, and have no idea what this gentleman might want. Yes, I heard him talking as he walked the length of the car, but I wasn't listening to the content of his ramblings, so, honestly, I assumed he was homeless and asking for money or selling something or trying to give me some jesus/jewish material (things that happen all the time on the subway), but NONE OF THIS IS RELEVANT TO WHAT HAPPENS NEXT (I just wanted to give you some context), so I respond, "no thank you". And he goes off! Not getting physical or anything, but suddenly raising his voice and calling me a bitch saying he was "only going to tell me how beautiful I was". Suddenly everyone in the subway car is looking at us. He has disturbed my commute to work and made EVERYONE IN THE CAR UNCOMFORTABLE just because I was not interested in receiving a compliment from a man talking to himself . So, I calmly respond, "And I said, "no thank you"", and immediately go back to reading my book. The man then leaves out of the door that connects to the next subway car (I was sitting at the rear of the train car) muttering to himself. He instigated the whole incident, he leaves, and I'm left sitting there with a handful of other people wondering WHAT I COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY TO AVOID THAT SITUATION.

Do you see the problem? Some rando can't accept that a woman doesn't want to talk to him, so he makes a scene, and I'm the one left feeling responsible. UGH, it just makes me SO ANGRY.

And this is why I almost didn't write this post. Because now I'm thinking about the goddamn patriarchy and getting super upset. AGAIN!

I mean, I didn't even realize I was upset at the time. It wasn't until I got outta the subway and started writing a facebook post about what had just happened that, all of a sudden, I was just SO MAD at this guy and how he made me feel. Why was he was ALLOWED to have the kind of reaction that he did and I wasn't? It was all about him and his need to say something, completely ignoring the fact my needs were different. I needed to sit there and read and listen to music and prepare to teach. Not deal with a nutjob. Grrr! Arg!

And then, I got to class, and was able to zen out teaching to two lovely yoginis. It was probably (hopefully) Yasmine's last class before she has her baby. She was due yesterday, so, for her sake, I hope that she has already given birth to her baby girl and she can start the business of being a mom instead of being pregnant. She's such a trooper, too! I mean, yoga two days before she was due? She's amazing!

And now, back the the patriarchy...

The second, and almost more upsetting, situation happened the VERY NEXT EVENING. UGH. So, Jessica and I were going to meet up after work for drinks and food before seeing the Beckett show, and she picked a great cocktail bar, but the food was pricey, so I found an awesome (and it was really awesome) divey sports bar that had great hh prices instead. She ended up getting stuck at work, so I got there about 45 minutes before her. The first 2/3 of that time was great. I was talking to the bartender, ordering beer, checking out the food menu, eating my fries, and generally minding my own business.

Then, the seat to the left of me opened up. Normally, this is no big deal, and the guy who sat in the seat, briefly bumped into me, so I apologized, smiled at him, and went back to doing what I was doing. Unsolicitedly, he tells me he's in the neighborhood to see Bernie speak, I make some sort of non-committal, clearly uninterested response and go back to what I'm doing. This sort of exchange continues, and it becomes increasingly obvious that this man is very drunk. At one point, he starts talking about his family and origin and it, literally, makes no sense (he later says a similar thing to the bartender who also looks confused). He seems harmless enough, but clearly not getting the hint that I am uninterested and really don't want to talk to him.

Then Jess arrives! Yay! She saves me! She sits down on my right (as the man on the left heads to the restroom), and I tell her about him and how happy I am she is here to save me. The guy sitting on the stool to the right of Jess agrees, as does the bartender. But we all nod and say he seems harmless enough, just drunk.

When he comes out of the bathroom, however, it all takes a turn toward the creepy. He pays, grabs his things and then taps me on the shoulder to tell me that I am "nicer than I think I am" then, as he says this next part he leans in, seems to stare right at my boobs, and adds, "no really, you're so nice" and stumbles out. Then the four of us (Jess, me, bartender, and guy on stool next to Jess) all kinda go, "OK, not so harmless, definitely creepy, no sense of personal space, and was he starring at my boob?" Yeah, shit got weird. The guy to the right of Jess apologizes for not sitting to the left of me, and the bartender apologizes for not suggesting I save the left stool and I'm left thinking, "OK, if you BOTH noticed creepy mccreeperson being creepy toward me, why didn't either of you SAY SOMETHING TO HIM? Better yet, why didn't I SAY SOMETHING TO HIM?" Now, I can't speak for either of them, but for me the stupid, unfortunate, completely fucked up answer is: I didn't want to cause a scene.

I have no idea if what happened the day before informed what happened to me on Wednesday, but I know if didn't help. And I shouldn't have to be worried about upsetting someone when I'm honestly not interested in talking to them and THEY'RE MAKING ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. Now, I'm not advocating being rude, but there has to be a graceful way to bow out of a situation like this that doesn't leave me worried that I might get verbally or physically assaulted.

Let's work on this, society. Please. I am a strong, independent FUCKING AMAZING woman, and this shit still scares the crap outta me. As long as going on dates with men you meet online can end like this (SERIOUSLY?!?!?! WTF? WHAT. THE. FUCK.), we need feminism, we need to fight, and we need to admit that men and women are not treated equally.

#micdrop #ginaout #feminism #femibitch